What I Wish I'd Known Before Baby #2

This is a post that I first thought about writing probably six months ago. Luckily, my fantastic sister-in-law recently invited me to join a group of moms who are blogging about their experiences in Mommy-hood. Since I'm only one of two in the group who have more than one child, I decided this would be the perfect time to write about what I wish I'd known just before James was born.

I wrote in a more objective point of view for the other blog, but here, I want it to be more personal: a letter to myself, advice and reassurance that I would have needed at that time, and that I think many soon-to-be-double-mothers would appreciate.

So. Dear Stephanie.

I know right now, you are a little miserable. You ache everywhere. You can't even get pants on without groaning. You lumber everywhere, and never quickly. You avoid picking up your daughter. You are constantly being forced to respond politely to well-meaning questions like, "So shouldn't that baby be here already??" and I know in your head you are not being very polite.

I know you're also a little anxious about the labor and delivery, and you hope you'll be able to manage the transition from one to two kids with some grace.

In a nutshell, you are pregnant. :-/ It's always a mixed bag. :-)

Well, I'm here to tell you some things that will ease your mind, and others that will prepare you to be strong.

First, all those aches and pains? I know you worry they won't, but I promise they'll disappear right after delivery. And it will be wonderful.

Second, you are very stressed about nursing. You managed with Cambrie, but it was not easy. Well, the bad news is that at the beginning it will be just as hard again. HOWEVER, it will get easier, sooner. Your little boy will also catch on quicker than Cambrie did, and that will help. In the end, just like with Cambrie, you will be glad you stuck it out. It works for you. Power through.

Now about Cambrie and the baby. I cannot stress how wonderful she is going to be. That little boy will certainly steal your heart, but he'll have a rough few months at the beginning. He is not going to be an easy baby (sorry). But Cambrie will not blink an eye. She will never retaliate against or show frustration towards him. She will want to help and be excited to watch him grow.

BUT. She needs you. It will be hard for her that you will be so preoccupied, tired, and stressed with a difficult newborn. Though you may not want to, especially when you are so exhausted, it will help so much when you make Mother-Daughter time with her while the baby sleeps. You can read books, make cookies, play with blocks, and tell stories. Sometimes, sitting her in front of the tv during naps will get you some rest, but don't do it too often. You girls need each other.

Now, learning to balance the needs of two kids is HARD. Some people get the hang of it quicker than others, and that's okay. But for you, it will be a real and serious challenge. After all, it's hard to feel like a competent mother on three hours of sleep with a baby still trying to nurse (and screaming in between attempts) and a toddler that you've barely had a chance to smile at that morning crying that she has to go potty or that she's hungry.

You may feel like taking care of one child means neglecting the other. But give it time: you will become a master balance-er. I promise that what seems impossible with a three week old (going anywhere with the two of them) will become old news in a few months. This is your challenge. You will meet it and succeed. I promise.

A few words of advice:

• It will feel like you can't make it any longer, but just give yourself three months. Each time you hit a month's milestone, you'll look back and see that things have gotten better. By three months, you'll feel positive, and all the things you need to accomplish will seem doable.
• Celebrate the small achievements, like successfully grocery shopping with two kids, or going to dinner as a family with the baby asleep the whole time.
• Here's a biggie: don’t compare your worst days to smiling pictures and chipper facebook status updates from your friends. Everyone has up days and down days, and everyone has different triumphs and challenges. When you feel like you're the only one who can't handle this motherhood thing, get off facebook and call a good friend to commiserate. I promise, you're not alone.
• Write down the happy moments, and you know there will be plenty. That way, when things are rough, you have concrete memories to buoy you up.

Remember your priorities. If an activity doesn't contribute to one of your highest priorities, then don't consider it necessary. You have this awesome opportunity to be the mother to two fantastic kids. They don't need a lot; they just need you. Focus on having a healthy, centered self; being a loving wife; and being an awesome mommy. You don't have time for everything, so make sure you have time for the important things--all the other extras will become easier with time.

Here's the most important one: a year or so from now, it will be hard to imagine your family without that little boy. Every day spent being unable to put him down, every night where you're up six times between the two kids, every spit-up covered shirt and rushed shower will seem like nothing to you--a small price for having him all to yourself forever. (You know, until he turns eighteen and rushes off to help Cambrie save the world.)

Before too long you'll be throwing kids in and out of car seats at the drop of a hat, nursing anywhere your baby is hungry, diffusing the worst toddler tantrums, and balancing naps like a pro. And it will seem easy, and it will feel rewarding. And when you get to that point, congratulations, mama. You are a full-fledged mother of two.