There Is Sunshine In My Soul

Fall is coming. When I stepped outside this morning, the air felt fresh and new on my skin. The sun lit up the leaves in that slanted, pretty way that it seems to save for spring and autumn. The rows of clouds with their blinding white back-lit edges practically danced in the sky. Fall is coming.

On our way to church, Patrick and I drank in the morning. We talked about Virginia, because for some reason, whenever we see days like this, Virginia comes to mind. We miss those mountains terribly. When we moved, we both left a small piece of ourselves waiting there; someday, we’ll return.

As the months keep marching toward cooler weather, my little boy keeps growing. I’m beginning to learn who he is, now. He is watchful and observant, like his sister was, but he’s much quicker to break into a smile. I think of all the crying that poor boy has done in these three months—it lifts my spirit a bit to know that that’s not who he is. If I had to describe him in a word, it would be happy.

Oh, his smile. It’s an amazing smile, one of pure joy, not of jokes or simple amusement. It’s “Mommy, Daddy, I see you looking at me and that makes me happy. Cambrie, I hear you laughing and talking and singing to me and that makes me happy.”

This is the part of being a mom that fills up my soul just like the fall-morning sun, air, and leaves do. It’s lying in bed with my tiny baby, trying to get to sleep after a nighttime feeding, feeling his warm body in the crook of my arm and seeing his still, quiet eyes watching mine. All I can think, all I want, is for this little one to feel arms around him, to see my face and feel safety and love.

It’s sitting on the porch, my son in my lap and my daughter next to me, singing songs to the rustle of the leaves and the creak of the porch swing. All I can think, all I want, is for her to feel the joy of music, to know that her mommy loves to hear her voice and thinks her jokes and tricks and discoveries are amazing.

What a wonderful thing, in the middle of something as tiring and demanding and consuming and hard as motherhood, to remember that this is why. It's not about me. It's all for these two little people who need love and security and nourishment to grow up and take on the world to change it for the better. Now is my time to give, not take. I don't always remember that, but when I do, all the other stresses and pressures settle into a quiet sense of perspective.

Mid September, with its promise of cooler weather, new school semesters, and upcoming holidays, has always felt like a beginning to me rather than the beginning of the end. I'm so glad to have this fresh beginning again, this time with two little ones to watch learn and grow instead of one.

Fall is coming. Babies are growing. Mommy is learning. Life is good.